Evolution needs to get its priorities straight. And it should start cleaning up its act.
Let's imagine we're all inside a novel. The author begins writing with great enthusiasm- creates character upon character and "develops" them. They come in different shapes and sizes and each has their own balance of awesomeness and flaws. So far, we're understanding the author. And then suddenly, the author becomes really lazy and starts slacking. There are half-written characters everywhere and under-developed, incomplete sub-plots.
Before you know it, the 8-year old girl in the story is getting her period. There is one grown man groaning on a dentist's recliner and another that has gotten away without sprouting wisdom teeth. Those new generation monkeys in their family are born without a tail-bone. And in the spectrum between Sheldon Cooper and Christian Grey, there exist asexuals, sapiosexuals, and very sexuals. And from this diverse range of people, you get to pick ONE ideal partner (Damn you, Society) to have babies with and make sure your genetic line goes forth with adequate energy. Though now, a woman cannot make her decision simply by looking at how tall and lithe the man is and directly correlate it with his ability to hunt and feed the family. Right about here, evolution has confused things for us and complicated everything by not keeping all the characters up-to-date with each others' developments. (I'm not in a position to speak about how men pick their women, so you'll have to listen to this one-sided story.)
People have often heard me talk about men who qualify to be a "Darwinian Fantasy". I've been asked to define this term several times but I haven't been able to articulate it clearly. I'm going to give it a shot now and maybe make it clear, once and for all.
A man who qualifies to be a "Darwinian Fantasy" is basically a poster-boy for Charles Darwin's theory of evolution. He is both extremely "fit" and extremely "adaptable". He's the kinda guy Darwin puts a 'Quality Check- Approved' seal on and says "Ladies, this man will make a good daddy for your babies". While we don't hear Charlie's celestial voice from the heavens, we certainly know it in our jeans (oops, genes!) when we lay our sight on the man in question.
I put "fit" and "adaptable" in double-quotes because it has taken on different meanings for different women. It is neither cool, nor possible to generalize what these definitions are. Each woman has her own blend of preferences that is unique to her. And when we're in a world where the male : female population ratio is extremely skewed, we're allowed to assume the natural right to be picky about our men.
Some of us require that our men be at least 6 inches taller than ourselves (The Optimal Tippy-Toe Kissing Principle), while there are some women who are so tall that they don't mind being with men shorter than themselves but they really need these guys to not make such a fuss about it (The Non-Inflated Male Ego Requirement). There are some of us who have developed a very precise judgement about the amount of chest hair a man has just by looking at his face- is it tolerable or does this guy need a lawn-mower to trim it off? (The Chest Hair Density Factor)
Other important requirements include broad shoulders (Who wants to hug a stick?) and clean feet (The Smelly-Socks Aversion Catastrophe). There are some women who want their men to be extremely well built and there are others like me who just need the guy to be able to carry us from any point A to B(ed).
A physically attractive man just might convince you that he's the ideal daddy for your babies. But men don't have to hunt to feed us any more. Earning a living is an entirely different process altogether, these days. While any bloke can be attractive, only the smart ones become appealing. A woman must be able to hold post-coital discussions about things like Film Theory, Education and Retroflex Sounds. It is important for us to know that his brains can provide for two square meals and a Prada bag. And while they're being smart, we also prefer that they look smart- Suits, good shoes, Nerd glasses, whatever.
If you qualify these two parameters, then here's the next hurdle: Minimum Emotional Fuck-Wittage.
Dear commitment-phobes, if you are just looking to get laid, then make it clear. Kindly do not woo us more than necessary. Do not assume that "it is clear". If there's someone you're flirting with at the moment and if you haven't said it out loud yet, pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and say "Babe, I don't want a relationship with you. We just have some fun, yeah?"
Now, we understand that you guys have a manufacturing defect. That is why we ask for MINIMUM emotional fuck-wittage. In case you already have a girlfriend, then say so clearly. Do not say things like- I have a "girlfriend"- that will lead us to believe that you're simply in love with your job or something. You could either say "I have a girlfriend called *Jane Doe* who is a fair vanilla maiden with good tits" or simply not be with the girl whose existence you do not wish to acknowledge (you arseholes).
So, in order to be the daddy of our babies, we need you to be in love with us and not act like complete jerks at the prospect of being seen with us in public. We'd stoop so low as to be your arm candy for that, even.
Speaking of, it's nice to be shown off to your family and friends but we would certainly not want to hear "You see that chick? She's ma gal. I knocked her up", from some lanky college kid with baggy pants and back papers from three semesters ago. So if you're one such guy and a chick who is way out of your league is doing you, don't expect any further than that. And be extremely well stocked on the contraceptive front. Because Darwinian Fantasies are MEN.
I will not deny that it's not just the bulge in the front of your pants that we look for. That out-of-sight back pocket is very important to most of us. There are those extreme cases where eternally shoe-shopping bimbettes look only for men with money, regardless of everything else. But not all of us are like that (okay, we all want a guy who earns a little more than the average man, but hear me out,here). While the amount of money you have is some measure of your accomplishment, it's basically just for us to be financially secure (and not think twice about buying the hard-cover books in place of the cheap paper-backs). But if you have a passion to dedicate your life to, take pride in your profession, have the potential to reach heights and proactively strive to achieve them, stinking rich or not, YOU ARE the Darwinian Fantasy. Men with their daddy's money are SO un-sexy.
So, I think I've explained pretty much everything in adequate detail. Ladies, did I do justice to it? Gentlemen and Douchebags alike, do you now have a vague idea of what we want?
Are we cool now?
Let's imagine we're all inside a novel. The author begins writing with great enthusiasm- creates character upon character and "develops" them. They come in different shapes and sizes and each has their own balance of awesomeness and flaws. So far, we're understanding the author. And then suddenly, the author becomes really lazy and starts slacking. There are half-written characters everywhere and under-developed, incomplete sub-plots.
Before you know it, the 8-year old girl in the story is getting her period. There is one grown man groaning on a dentist's recliner and another that has gotten away without sprouting wisdom teeth. Those new generation monkeys in their family are born without a tail-bone. And in the spectrum between Sheldon Cooper and Christian Grey, there exist asexuals, sapiosexuals, and very sexuals. And from this diverse range of people, you get to pick ONE ideal partner (Damn you, Society) to have babies with and make sure your genetic line goes forth with adequate energy. Though now, a woman cannot make her decision simply by looking at how tall and lithe the man is and directly correlate it with his ability to hunt and feed the family. Right about here, evolution has confused things for us and complicated everything by not keeping all the characters up-to-date with each others' developments. (I'm not in a position to speak about how men pick their women, so you'll have to listen to this one-sided story.)
People have often heard me talk about men who qualify to be a "Darwinian Fantasy". I've been asked to define this term several times but I haven't been able to articulate it clearly. I'm going to give it a shot now and maybe make it clear, once and for all.
A man who qualifies to be a "Darwinian Fantasy" is basically a poster-boy for Charles Darwin's theory of evolution. He is both extremely "fit" and extremely "adaptable". He's the kinda guy Darwin puts a 'Quality Check- Approved' seal on and says "Ladies, this man will make a good daddy for your babies". While we don't hear Charlie's celestial voice from the heavens, we certainly know it in our jeans (oops, genes!) when we lay our sight on the man in question.
I put "fit" and "adaptable" in double-quotes because it has taken on different meanings for different women. It is neither cool, nor possible to generalize what these definitions are. Each woman has her own blend of preferences that is unique to her. And when we're in a world where the male : female population ratio is extremely skewed, we're allowed to assume the natural right to be picky about our men.
Some of us require that our men be at least 6 inches taller than ourselves (The Optimal Tippy-Toe Kissing Principle), while there are some women who are so tall that they don't mind being with men shorter than themselves but they really need these guys to not make such a fuss about it (The Non-Inflated Male Ego Requirement). There are some of us who have developed a very precise judgement about the amount of chest hair a man has just by looking at his face- is it tolerable or does this guy need a lawn-mower to trim it off? (The Chest Hair Density Factor)
Other important requirements include broad shoulders (Who wants to hug a stick?) and clean feet (The Smelly-Socks Aversion Catastrophe). There are some women who want their men to be extremely well built and there are others like me who just need the guy to be able to carry us from any point A to B(ed).
A physically attractive man just might convince you that he's the ideal daddy for your babies. But men don't have to hunt to feed us any more. Earning a living is an entirely different process altogether, these days. While any bloke can be attractive, only the smart ones become appealing. A woman must be able to hold post-coital discussions about things like Film Theory, Education and Retroflex Sounds. It is important for us to know that his brains can provide for two square meals and a Prada bag. And while they're being smart, we also prefer that they look smart- Suits, good shoes, Nerd glasses, whatever.
If you qualify these two parameters, then here's the next hurdle: Minimum Emotional Fuck-Wittage.
Dear commitment-phobes, if you are just looking to get laid, then make it clear. Kindly do not woo us more than necessary. Do not assume that "it is clear". If there's someone you're flirting with at the moment and if you haven't said it out loud yet, pick up the phone RIGHT NOW and say "Babe, I don't want a relationship with you. We just have some fun, yeah?"
Now, we understand that you guys have a manufacturing defect. That is why we ask for MINIMUM emotional fuck-wittage. In case you already have a girlfriend, then say so clearly. Do not say things like- I have a "girlfriend"- that will lead us to believe that you're simply in love with your job or something. You could either say "I have a girlfriend called *Jane Doe* who is a fair vanilla maiden with good tits" or simply not be with the girl whose existence you do not wish to acknowledge (you arseholes).
So, in order to be the daddy of our babies, we need you to be in love with us and not act like complete jerks at the prospect of being seen with us in public. We'd stoop so low as to be your arm candy for that, even.
Speaking of, it's nice to be shown off to your family and friends but we would certainly not want to hear "You see that chick? She's ma gal. I knocked her up", from some lanky college kid with baggy pants and back papers from three semesters ago. So if you're one such guy and a chick who is way out of your league is doing you, don't expect any further than that. And be extremely well stocked on the contraceptive front. Because Darwinian Fantasies are MEN.
I will not deny that it's not just the bulge in the front of your pants that we look for. That out-of-sight back pocket is very important to most of us. There are those extreme cases where eternally shoe-shopping bimbettes look only for men with money, regardless of everything else. But not all of us are like that (okay, we all want a guy who earns a little more than the average man, but hear me out,here). While the amount of money you have is some measure of your accomplishment, it's basically just for us to be financially secure (and not think twice about buying the hard-cover books in place of the cheap paper-backs). But if you have a passion to dedicate your life to, take pride in your profession, have the potential to reach heights and proactively strive to achieve them, stinking rich or not, YOU ARE the Darwinian Fantasy. Men with their daddy's money are SO un-sexy.
So, I think I've explained pretty much everything in adequate detail. Ladies, did I do justice to it? Gentlemen and Douchebags alike, do you now have a vague idea of what we want?
Are we cool now?
When I started reading your post I thought maybe you would rant about http://www.darwindating.com/
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks! Though such discussions have been gender biased. It is always good for any person to be able to clarify his/her wants.
Is your article seriously going to be "Where from do these Douchebags Cum?" :D
May be some day I will write a blog with women as Darwinian Fantasy, being inspired by you.